PS分析

注意，以下文书为DiySmart B类服务客户首次提供独立文书内容。该样本用于说明中国DIY申请者首次书写Admission PS时常见问题。以下内容并未经过任何DiySmart顾问修改。

客户背景简介：

普通中国大学自动化专业尖子生。

客户首次独立书写PS内容：

My academic aspiration can be fully described by Bertrand Russell’s quote: “Three passions, simply but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my academic life: the love for electronic world, the search for the most advanced automobile, and the longing for inventing new technology that will benefit human society.” I learned about this great man’s stories. Sounds too much solemn, like an old man try to condense all experience of his life, even like an epitaph? Although I do not want this passage to be settled in such favor, it is exactly true and only in this way I think I can draw enough attention. What is more interesting, maybe, when I retire that time, I probably use the word again, I have the hunch.

评论：首段引用名人名句内容是中国学生书写PS常用方法。该写作方法在中国语文作文也常被应用。在美国，学生写论文也有常引用名人名句，本身该写作方法并无大碍。但在Admission PS中引用名人名句者需要注意以下问题：

1. 被引用的内容是否也经常被其他申请者使用，如果是录取官恐怕会想：“这个应该是一个典型的PS和之前我看的PS没什么区别，那么我大概也可以跳着看后面内容以节省时间了”。
2. 被引用的内容是否与申请方向有关，是否与PS将要陈述的内容有必然的联系，是否能与后文成前后照应的关系。如果被引用的内容不能达到这个效果，那么首段内容只是用于装饰的架空段。根据美国AACRAO研究结果，美国录取官对空洞无物，纯粹卖弄文笔，或者只谈风月人物，不谈自身问题的文书有消极偏见。
3. 被引用的名人名言必然就是申请者的偶像，那么这个偶像能在录取官中树立一个合理的形象吗？录取管会认识这个偶像或者认可这个偶像吗？

 

由于以上问题，利用名人名言为文书首段的写法并不安全。一方面，好用的名句一般已经被别人先用了；不流行的句子恐怕又不能被录取官理解。另一方面，如果首段就开始谈别人，那么PS就显得很不“自我”了。所以，DiySmart一般不采用以名人名句为首段的文章结构。

文中另外一个要害问题就是“不知所云”。作者很明显希望利用自己的偶像感染读者，但要将一个名人和自己挂钩并不容易。要把一个哲学家跟一个EE申请者扯上关系更困难。把这种艰巨的任务挂到自己的申请文书是明显是作茧自缚。

In fact, I want this paper you read now has the holography function that I can stand in front of you and give presentation. However, all I can do is try to describe my appearance and ask you a favor to image it. Well, standing 183 centimeters high, I have kept a good shape. Black short hair, black eyes, I am kind of a standard Asian boy, but inside it is a heart full of energy. I love sunshine and Shenzhen’s weather greets me well. Always wear a white T-shirt and blue jean, I am the generation of Chinese more international. I think it is enough and I have to stop here because we all know it is not the important part of this passage.

作为申请者，我们必须知道究竟录取官嗜好。什么样的素质会被美国的教授青睐，什么的样潜能会引起录取官的重视，这些都是申请者不得不知道的事情。不同专业方向的录取官有不同的招生要求。理工类的录取官一般希望学生有扎实的数学背景，有严谨的逻辑思维，有创造力等。但无论是美国那一个州，那一个学校的理工类录取官都不会对高个子帅气的中国男生特别感兴趣。另外，阅读申请者PS的录取官一般都是学院里有一定辈分的教授。他们的时间都是非常宝贵的（最起码他们认为是这样）。这些教授们不可能花时间去细读一篇故意浪费他们时间的PS。“we all know it is not the important part of this passage.” 这句话实在是“讨骂”。

 

Ok, I know you all want to hear some failure experience, such question shows up frequently. Nobody wants to fail, but it is out of question that they learn more from it. It was several months ago, I attended a competition called the Freescale Cup National Smart Car University Design Competition, which could be a failure for me, but I had several of my principles developed there. One of them is: Now that you have decided and started one business after serious thinking, then you must finish it well. The business, Smart Car competition attracted me by its content, and I enjoy the whole process. Compared with the final honors, what I did and what I learned is truly more important. I did not care what I would get of the order; what I care is making every part the best. I emphasized the quality of the PCB board, I tried to fully understand the chip we used, I studied others programs and attempt to optimize them. I had even concentrated all my energy on it: I registered only the required courses that semester so that I spared much more time. It was better if we ran first in the competition, but if not, I would never feel sorry. In fact, I did what I thought. Now the competition was over, I haven’t stepped into the last round, but I request my college to leave the car to me so I can continue working on it, because I haven’t finished it well yet, and I still have the possibility. I also think it of great value because I can share my experience for the competitor of my college next time. This is the first time I attend a competition. I had written lots of words to summarize the experience. Time arrangement for TOEFL had a bad influence on the beginning, which leads to not enough time to find proper team members; we also kind of fell back at first. As the team leader, I did not take full advantages of the other two members; in fact, one of them even paid little time on it. To fully retell it will be a long story so I have to stop it here. The principle also has its extensions; one of them is making a decision seriously. I have rejected two internship opportunity based on this consideration, although they looks appealing; I also give up the chance to apply for new lab program because I have ones that are not finished under my standard. I did not start those businesses, because once I started, I have to finish them well which seems impossible for me.

这一段内容非常丰富。从参加 ”Smart Car Competition”， 到比赛失败，再到失败后仍不放弃，再扯到考TOEFL，然后又回到投诉自己的teammate， 再说自己因为比赛没有了实习机会，然后又回到自己的性格问题。作为读者，我们能得到什么信息？ 我们得到的零碎内容可能是：“a loser, a loser with bad time management, a loser don’t know how to motivate their teammate and a loser who lose jobs.” 总的来说，作者给我们的感觉是，他是个不折不扣的“loser”. 但作者本身的表达目标绝对不会是如此。作者本意是希望通过反映自己的失败经历，表达对工程的热情以及永不放弃的决心。但很可惜，那些每天阅读大量PS的录取官不会有这种怜悯之心。他们需要将来能干一番事业的成功人士；他们需要那些能够清晰表达自己的优势，能够推销自己的未来的申请者；他们不需要losers.

另外，值得一提的是，在一段中跨越长时间空间，同时陈述多个背景内容都是不可取的。因为读者只能有一个最深刻的印象，不可能对整篇文章内容都清晰印在脑海里。申请者在PS中的任务是将自己的优势深刻地反映在文字里，让录取官即使在阅读数十篇文书后还清晰记得申请者的这个优势。 所以，PS应该讲究效果，应以深刻、集中的手法描写一个情景，一个细节，或一个矛盾来刻画自己在录取官心目中的印象。

 

Another principle I become more aware of in that competition, which I prefer to state in this new story that can be told as a success experience, is: Only everyone is good, it is good. There are two meaning in it: only everyone is qualified and excellent enough that the work will be finished well; only everyone benefits from it that we can say we arrive at a good ending. The word attenuates that do not be selfish in a team, and you would better take care of others’ profits. Last year, I applied a laboratory program in XXX University with other three good friends in another college. The program is sort of fundamental but very important if we want to make achievement in further research. Every week we spent time together in a lab called EDA lab with graduates. We love the ambience and work very hard on the program. With Mr. L, our director teacher’s instruction, we run the program smoothly and I can feel we are on the way to success. We are all engaged in the program and find each own part to take charge in; we communicate and exchange ideas now and then; we all make great progress under the influence of each others. Compared with that competition, I understand how important the team work is!

在PS中说说自己的成长经历是一个不错的内容。但我们需要注意取材。“我的成长结果会给予录取官留下深刻印象吗？” 一个快毕业的大学生才刚开始学习与人合作的重要性是一种优势还是劣势呢？另外，文章已经完成了大半。多数内容只是泛泛而谈的学生经历。不但仍未交待自己具体掌握了什么技术，也没有具体介绍自己有哪方面的工程优势，有什么研究背景和兴趣，这些都是本文作者的严重失误。实战中，多数录取官都不会花时间看到这里，他们大概在头2,3段已经开始对本PS感到厌倦了。

I have some other principles which can be used to talk about my college life. “Always pursuit the best” and “Respect to the voice of your heart”. I believe that I have made the four years of college life valuable. Although I do not have a absolutely high GPA because of the difference in our grading system, I rank No.1 in our college; I am also awarded several honors, such as National Scholarship of 2006, which is set up for the best college students nationwide and only awarded for 80 thousand students every year. The first thing I got my scholarship is to make a denotation on a website which is the biggest public service organization called the Hope Project; the money is used for those who cannot afford their college expenditure. I have also joined in the Student Association and held several lecture for the students. There are lots of other funny things that construct my college life which would be omitted here.

中国学生在书写文书时需要特别注意中美的文化和教育系统方面的差异。中国学生都能明白或者认为是理所当然的事情，美国的录取官不一定能理解。“虽然没有最高的GPA但是能排第一”这一句恐怕多数教授会感到疑惑。因为在他们的系统里，GPA与排名是密切联系的。这位申请者实际上是全级排名第一的尖子生。很明显这是他的重大优势，那么他就应该毫不客气地在文书中作自我推销。过多解释导致本来属于申请人最大的优势成为一个不清不楚的内容。另外，申请人提出自己曾经捐钱支持“希望工程”事业。在中国我们认为施恩不图报时一种美德，反过来，利用慈善活动达到某些个人目的就显得有点心术不正了。美国人同样会有这种看法。那么我们应该如何包装自己的社会责任感呢？或者在第三方对自己的评价中提及这些敏感内容会更加有说法力。

 

I have an interesting thought that I have the gene to do research. The straightest examples are: I have an uncle major in Laser and automation; he graduated from University of Washington and got his Ph D from University of Michigan. I also have two granduncles; one of them is a professor in Wayne State University, he got his Ph D from Brown University, another one is an Actuary, he got his Ph D from University of Washington in Seattle; they all major in Probability and Statistics. I never have the idea that I will stop my academic life after I receive my bachelor degree. Instead, I dream of going abroad for further education. Now, I face up the decision, and those principles come together to help me? Master program or Ph D program? I decide to choose Master. Because I am not so sure that I can devote my next 5 or more years on a realm that I select now. Why XXX University? …. (Talk about why selecting this Univ.)

 

在美国的研究生教育体系，学生可以直接选择升读PhD而不需完成Master学位。Master学位，在部分专业或者学校，可作为“Terminal Degree”即毕业后直接面向就业而不应或者不能申读PhD的学位。针对不同的申请方向，申请者提出的将来规划应各有不同。PhD申请者很明显应以学术界为发展方向，而（Terminal）Master课程申请者就不应该提及关于将来申读PhD的计划或者提出自己有这方面的憧憬。每一个研究生教育项目都有一个培养人才的目的。如果申请的将来规划与学校的教育目的不符，那么录取官一般都不会给予录取的。本例中申请人申请专业方向实际上是EE的Terminal Master方向，在这个申请方向的文书中谈对PhD项目的憧憬是不恰当的。录取官大概会失望地回应“你有看我们的项目介绍吗？”

 

The last two principles I want to deal with in this passage is: “Do not put too much energy on a perfect plan, just start to do it” and “Perfect performance comes from a better preparation”. XXX University, the best one in XXX, gives me an excellent college life. With the principles that I learned, I started to prepare for a further step into the better education. Like Hemingway said in his book the Old Man and the Sea: “Every day is a new day. It’s better to be lucky. But I would be rather exact. Then when luck comes you are ready.”

之前我们曾经说过以名人名句作为PS首段是一种危险的开局，那以名人名言作结尾效果又如何呢？实际上，如录取官愿意花时间看完申请者整篇的PS，那么申请的背景或其PS陈述的内容必然符合录取官口味。对于这种学生，他们的结尾段只需要给予录取官最后一个承诺：“录取我，我一定会来！”那就是说，美国研究生标准PS（注意，在实战中可能有不同规范的PS）的结尾只有一种写法。申请人的PS结尾段不但不符合常规兵法，也不能很好衔接文章主题。这种堆砌文书内容的方法是绝对不可取的。申请PS不是小学作文。不是一定要写满一页才是好文章，申请人必须尊重录取官的时间价值，必须让他们觉得PS的作者本身就是一个有效率、实务的人。空而无物的PS刻画出一名夸夸其谈的申请人，除非学校只希望赚学费，否者是不可能向这类申请者放出录取的。